DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
