Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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