I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
