3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
