FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
