New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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