I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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