Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
