capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
There's even glitter on my cock...
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