I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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