i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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