My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
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Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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