I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
