I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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