Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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