your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Someone shit on the floor
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I am available for nakedness
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
