did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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