So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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