I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
