I want to walk on stilts...naked
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
If you can throw 105 mph itโs mandatory that youโre hung.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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