Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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