Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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