I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
