did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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