I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
