You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
