apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
