I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
