at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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