I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
