just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Terrible idea I love it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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