I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
