I wish I only lived at night.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
