I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
