And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
