Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
