i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
