im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
