I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
