if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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