Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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