why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
