You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
