your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
birth control should be required to get into college
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
