So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
