My hair reeks of homosexuality.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
