I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
