if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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