please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
