Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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