you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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