Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
