shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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