I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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