Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
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She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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